Sunday, October 18, 2015
Struggling to understand Struggle
Struggle doesn't seem logical. I like logical. I want logical. I want it all to make sense but then again, I want magic. I want mystery. There is the conflict. I know that "letting go of struggle" is the road to happiness. Or so they say. Great!!! OK, I will do that! Right. The truth is that all the self help knowledge in the world doesnt really tell you how to do that. I was struggling to get my health back, deal with a new home in a grey and wet part of the world, and live with the grief of loss. Twenty years in Sedona, Arizona had somehow burned itself into my consciousness. It is a world of sun and light and color and air so dry that your hair dries in 10 minutes. So, here I was in a new dark world. Artists are very affected and informed by the world around them, we all know that. I found out that the dark winter made me depressed, Great! One more thing to deal with. I didnt have any answers short of pharmaceuticals, which I really didnt want to do. The one thing that I did know was that painting was really all I knew that I really had. To say it is an anchor is a cliché. But for me, it is. No matter how I was feeling I went to the studio. For the first time in my life I have a studio that is not in my house. In my rush to get settled I bought a house with no studio. Talk about buyers' remorse. It was the worst of times, those first months here. I was ready to turn the living room into a studio and work with what I had when I ran into an artist whose work I knew from a gallery in Sedona. For some reason I asked him if he knew of a studio for rent. He said that he did. There are times in life when one 3 minute interaction changes your life. I found my studio. I really couldn't afford it but in some ways I couldn't afford not to do it. It was the best thing that could have happened. I actually had to get up, get dressed, get into my car and drive to town. When you are depressed that isn't as easy as it sounds. I made it a requirement. Even if I didnt work, I went. But I knew I had to do it. It was a struggle. It was there that I started to find myself again. It was slow and it still is but that is the hard part about healing. Oh, and let me add that another requirement was and still is a walk on the beach every morning , regardless of weather. That is the food for my soul. It was the most important part of my day and that was the only other thing that I knew for sure.